Friday, January 30, 2009

The Love That Was Never Meant To Be.

On this glorious day for Magic fans I can’t help but feel sad. Now many of you will say “Terry, what could you possibly have to complain about?” Well, since you asked I’ll tell you, I am in love with someone that I cannot be with. Yes, yes, it sounds sappy and I’m sure many of you will poke fun at me for it but my man-crush knows no bounds. You see he was voted by the coaches to the all-star game in Phoenix as a reserve yesterday and while I was happy for him, I couldn’t help but think about what might have been. The man I am referring to is Danny Thor Granger (I don’t know that his middle name is Thor, but it fits so shut it).

Danny is averaging the following stat line for the season 25.8 points per game, 5 rebounds, 3.4 assists, 1 steal, and 1.4 blocks while shooting 87% from the line, that my friends is a thing of beauty. Not to mention that he plays with so much fire that while he was still a rookie the battles between him and Ron Artest in practice were described by one writer as looking like they were going to kill one another. Intensity, fire, aggressive competition, how could I not love him? Imagine our team with Dwight, Granger, Shard, Pietrus, and Jameer starting with Courtney and Turk off the bench (or mix it up however you like), the defense, the scoring, the trail of bodies left behind by a ferocious group of competitors…then there is the guy we took.

Fran **bleeping** Vasquez. Every time I see Granger play all I think about is Fran. Granger loses his front teeth diving for a loose ball and having Paul Pierce land on him and what does he do? Searches for his teeth, jumps up runs to the locker room, and only misses a time out before coming back into the game(

Our guy, Hermen Munster, shows up to the draft then freaks out at the sight of the gigantic metropolis that is Orlando, FL (aka The City Beautiful). Larry Bird had this to say about Granger “The day we brought him in to work him out for the draft, I told him there's no way we'll get you at 17, you're just too good," Bird said. "I never even dreamed we'd have a possibility(" Manolo Rubia, the team manager for Fran’s national team had this to say about Fran “I recently asked the players on the national team how many tickets they needed for the [international] games, everybody said, two, three, six, whatever. Fran said, ‘I’ll have to ask Ana (his girlfriend).’ He can’t even decide how many tickets he wants for himself. Orlando is not losing anything(" HURRAY! I couldn’t be happier!

In honor of Danny making the all-star team here are some differences (in no particular order) between Granger and Sally-

  • Granger was recently voted to the NBA All-Star game in Phoenix. Betsy recently moved up to big girl panties with Hello Kitty on them.
  • Granger trained under Ron Artest, the man who body slammed basketball-god in a pickup game and broke one of his ribs. Katie trains with Richard Simmons in the ancient art of streamer dancing.
  • Granger fights for loose balls even though his team is at the bottom of the league. Olivia fights with her husband Ana over where she put the baby powder…not really, she hides in the corner like a sissy girl and cry’s while listening to Zamfir and his magical pan pipe.

We may never know what happened on that fateful night in New York. Maybe B Hill threw a temper tantrum and screamed so loud that Otis was forced to take Suzy. It’s entirely possible that Nancy’s U.S. agent and her Spanish agent were scheming to destroy our beloved Magic. Perhaps Larry Bird has mastered The Jedi Mind Trick and told Otis that Granger was not the droid he was looking for, who knows, all I know is Indy got a competitor and we got a 7 foot tall ballerina.


  1. "Zamfir and his magical pan pipe." I just snorted out some of my breading.

  2. Quote from Otis last week on the Frannie girl pick - “I beat myself up for that one because I didn’t go with my gut, so I learned a lesson.”

    We may never know whether he would have gone with Granger or the oft injured Sean May (the two picks most experts thought we should have taken at the time). But it was one expensive lesson to learn and likely part of the reason that Otis was willing to give Brian Hill his walking papers despite Hill's close relationship to the owner's.

  3. Amen! I still can't help but think, every time I see him on tv "Granger could have been ours!"


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