Wednesday, January 28, 2009

4 Things You May Not Have Known About Brian Cook (That May or May Not be True)

Every team in The Association has that one player down at the end of the bench whom fans wonder what his purpose is and why he deserves a million dollar paycheck while you whore out your daughters for enough coin to buy a seat in section 729 Z.

If you are a fan of the Magic, (and I am assuming you are unless you clicked "random blog" and miraculously ended up here) that player is Brian Cook.

Acquired in a trade last season from the Lakers for Trevor Ariza, Cook has made a name for himself as an out of shape, pasty chucker who plays garbage minutes behind Tony "Mr. Intangibles" Battie and looks even worse in contrast to Ariza, who is absolutely PWNING n00bs in Hollywood.

Let's look behind the doughy physique of everyone's favorite 12th man and see if we can't learn a thing or two about the Cookie Monster.

1. His middle name is Joshua.

May not seem that cool, but lets take a look at other people named Joshua.

-Josh(ua) Hartnett. Was in a pretty cool movie called Black Hawk Down. Heard of it?

-Josh(ua) Groban. His last album Noel went multi platinum, although I've never met a fan of his in real life.

- Joshua. An Egyptian born Israelite leader who succeeded Moses. The similarities between he and Brian Joshua Cook are mind boggling.

2. He has an official Biography published.

It's called Brian Cook; An Illini Legend and it was written by Mark Tupper. Here is an actual quote from that book from Bill Self himself.

"Above all I'd say this; I would hope my son would mature and grow up to be a Brian Cook-type person"

Wow. Look for this literary masterpiece to go on backorder next month when Oprah adds it to her book club.

3. He was born on December 4th.

Thats right. The same day as Jay-Z, Tyra Banks, and Tadahito Iguchi. Enough said.

4. He once saved a girl scout from drowning.

He was partaking in his favorite hobby of fishing on Lake Michigan when he happened to see a small girl fall off her families dock. He immediately fired the engine over and pulled her out, later learning from grateful parents that she couldn't swim. Read more about it here....

So there you go folks. All you ever need to know about Brian Cook. Here's to another great half season of your ass wearing out the bench.

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Credit "Sebi" from the Orlando Magic Message board for the title graphic.

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