Wednesday, February 18, 2009

5 scandals that will happen before this season ends.

2009 started with a bang. Chris Brown beat down Rihanna. A-Roid was outed for steroid use and admitted to it. Charles Barkley was caught with his pants down, well almost (I missed you Chuck at the All-Star game). J-Rich was charged with suspicion of drunk driving. So here at TPASTBM we have decided to compile a list of the top 5 scandals that we will likely see before this NBA season ends.

1. Stan Van Gundy finally reveals that he and Ron Jeremy are in fact one and the same. Yes, we've all thought about it. In fact this is the reason he had to step down from being the Heat's coach. Pat Riley was going to out him, and he feared people wouldn't like him anymore. We have all talked about it, we knew this already, it wasn't a big secret. The media in the other hand tried ignore and hide it. I guess some people still think porn is not cool. To those people I say, YOU ARE WRONG!!

2. Sam Cassel confesses he had a short movie career when he was younger. Well, he didn't confess to anything, he just never denied it. After further investigation it was revealed that he is in fact a little orphan alien that has been trying to phone home ever since he got into the league. Apparently he believes that NBA ref's are actually robots sent by his home planet to rule the NBA and the World. All of that complaining is really just communicating with mom and dad.

3. After finding an original birth certificate Sports Illustrated will out Lebron James actually being 50 years old. Lebron will confess to his fraud and later on lead the a team of explorer to the legendary Fountain of Youth that Ponce de Leon was looking for many years ago. Ponce de Leon was just a little off as it is found in Houston, Texas behind Dikembe Mutombo's house. Mutumbo later reveals that he is actually 200 years old. This enrages Greg Oden as he thought it was supposed to stay a secret which is why he had not had his treatment for a few months making him reverse to the old man he is. I mean is this kid really 20?

4. Puns will be banned from sports writing. That is all. No more Wizards' sorcery is not enough to beat Magic. No more Rockets explode for 180 points, not even the Lakers can stop the fire. No more Blazers are on fire this week.

5. David Stern will finally have ear reduction surgery. After many many years of being confused with Yoda, Stern opted to have plastic surgery on his big Dumbo ears. Not only is it tough to be a short man and the commissioner of the only major sport where you are required to be a freakishly tall man or woman, he felt his ears held him back from a modeling career when he was younger. This is why he implemented that synthetic plastic ball a few years back, as his own personal revenge against everyone that made fun of his stature and ears. He was quoted as saying "You made fun of my shortness and my circus freak ears, I'll give you a basketball that will cut your fingers. hahahahahahaha". Yes the evil laugh is part of the quote.

And there you have it folks. These 5 things will happen before the season ends. We have insiders everywhere, we played professional sports at some point, we have friends in high places, we are never wrong and it is now posted on the it must be all true.

1 comment:

  1. I knew it! I knew Cassel was E.T.


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