Friday, February 13, 2009

The Orlando Magic All-time Skills Competition

As is the case this weekend for the NBA, the Orlando Magic have, utilizing wisdom that may or may not actually exist, taken it upon themselves to deliver unto us those same glorious mini-games that we'll see this weekend. With out any further ado, let us meet our contestants for the 2009, Orlando Magic All-Scrub Skills Competition:

Mark Price

Anthony Bowie

Brooks Thompson

Steve Kerr

Let's get down to the competition!

Kerr starts us off: Kerr makes the layup, before beginning a very leisurely stroll through the 1st series of defenders. He gets the first pass on the 3rd attempt, and hits the shot in one. The final pass is one he struggles with, before finally hitting it on the 4th attempt. After slowly dribbling through the second set of "defenders", Kerr manages to blow the final layup twice before finishing at 1:35.

Thompson is up next and gets a DNP-CD.

Bowie is up now, and he breezes through the course, showing surprising speed. Struggling only at the jump shot, Bowie breezes through the course with a cool mark of 57 seconds, guaranteeing him a spot in the finals.

Mark Price continues the long tradition he created in his run through Orlando of being so broken down, but still fundamentally sound enough, to not completely embarrass himself. By not blowing any passes or layups badly, he manages a time of 1:28, earning him a slot in the Finals.

In the Finals, Mark Price is up first, and manages to post a 1:28 that is entirely identical in every conceivable way to his first run. Further analysis reveals he'd actually passed out several hours earlier, and was quite literally sleep walking through the competition. It's decided that he should be allowed to sleep some more, though some are far more concerned that Price's pallor and general demeanor seem suspiciously zombie-like.

For his Finals run, Bowie again breezes through the course. With his score hovering around 45 seconds going into the final set of defenders, Bowie calls a quick timeout so that he can savor the moment and "make sure he gets the win". Ignoring the screams of the crowd, Bowie walks off the court, sips some Gatorade, and goes into a long daydream about how great this trophy will look on his wall until Sam Vincent finally snaps him out of his daydream long enough to tell him that there are no timeouts in the skills competition, and that the clock is still running. Bowie dejectedly finishes with a time of 3:36, leaving Mark Price our sleepwalking winner.

Winner: Mark Price's Zombie Corpse.

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Credit "Sebi" from the Orlando Magic Message board for the title graphic.

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