Top 4 players we're glad aren't wearing a Magic uniform anymore

20 years. Yeah, that’s right, the Magic have been in the NBA almost long enough to buy a Mike's Hard Cranberry Lemonade. Over the years all sorts of characters have put on the Blue and White. There were the greats like Nick Anderson, Darrell Armstrong, and Steven Hunter. There were the quality players like Dennis Scott, Tony Battie, and Scott Skiles who contributed for a number of years. But there was also a lot of wasted space. There were some locker room cancers, some laziness, and well, some very interesting characters. So who are we glad is no longer around to fill newspaper headlines or arrest warrants, or paternity suits? Who would we be most cool with had they never worn a Magic jersey? Well, here it is, the top 4 players we're glad aren't wearing a Magic uniform anymore:



Brian Cook

How did they get here: Acquired via trade for Trevor Ariza, he came here along with current Hawks G Maurice Evans from the Lakers. Take a wild guess at which player fans were more happy to be receiving.

What they did wrong: **** near everything. Brian seemed to be a great teammate at first. Then at the start of the 08-09 season, he started to complain about his role. However, that was the problem. He had no role. Brought in to space the floor more for Dwight and to help rebound, Cook never really did that. When given playing time, he would come in and jack up shots the minute the ball touched his hands. This sort of erratic play drove Stan Van Gundy insane. Coach didn't eat or sleep for about 2 weeks, and would pull out his hair after every 3pt shot Brian took [see a picture of Stan during hard times on the right]. Cook, for his size and girth, couldn't rebound to save his life. Originally brought in to supplement the loss of Tony Battie to season ending surgery, many still wonder what GM Otis Smith was thinking when trading for the soft PF. All seemed lost and lopsided with the trade, that is until Cook made his most meaningful contribution to the team. Passing his psychical on the trade that the Magic made to acquire Rafer Alston from the Rockets. F plus.

Where are they now: Brian was traded to the Rockets in exchange for Rafer Alston. With a team full of promising forwards, he looks to be in the same situation he was in with the Magic. Spotty minutes when the team is desperate for 3pt shooting.

Doug Christie

How did they get here: Traded from Sacramento.

What they did wrong: Being an overemotional sulker in the trade that killed 2 careers (Steve-O). Doug was just never interested in playing for Orlando in the 1st place and looked disinterested the day he got here. His wife would reveal that the Kings made him a good-bye video that he would watch over and over until she would finally convince him to go to sleep. Christie's D was already slipping as it was so the desired results of the trade to add perimeter D failed miserably. F minus minus.

Where are they now: Giving his wife a foot massage.



Darko Milicic

How did they get here: Orlando acquired Mr. Milicic from the Detroit Pistons along with fan favorite Carlos Arroyo in return for another Magic legend Kelvin Cato and a first round pick.

What they did wrong: For starters, Darko had the unfortunate burden of being the second pick in the 2003 NBA draft. He was chosen ahead of Carmelo Anthony, Chris Bosh, Dwayne Wade, David West, Reece Gaines AND Brian Cook. You can’t blame the man for this, but he has never been able to live up to the hype. The guy showed some signs of promise, at times playing some lock down defense and hitting some long J’s. Unfortunately, the good times were more than often erased by multiple Hedo like moments which consisted of a combination of laziness and stupidity. Overall it can be chalked up to what seems like a lack of motivation, which for someone with his talent is unacceptable. As his career evolved we began to get a glance into the reasons why Darko wasn’t ever going to make an All-Star game. There were the pictures like the one posted. We’re no doctors, but it’s probably safe to say the nights of drinking and smoking are not good for someone who gets paid to be a world class athlete. Plus, there was the unforgettable anti referee/sister of referee/mother of referee rant following a game (Warning: Language very, very, very NSFW). That counts double. D minus.

Where are they now: Otis let Darko head over to Memphis for more money. At the time many chastised the GM for letting such a promising player walk. Darko has proved Otis right by continuing to tread the NBA waters… Not quite bad enough to get the ax while not producing the numbers he should.

Anthony Avent [not pictured, trust me, we tried]

How did they get here: Traded from Milwaukee

What they did wrong: Well, Anthony Avent had the worst hands we've ever seen on a basketball player ever. If you replaced your hands with two cinder blocks covered in rubber and grease, you could catch passes better than Avent could. Avent couldn't shoot, pass, defend or rebound, and at no point in his year and a half with Orlando did Avent look interested in doing anything productive. Combine that with his penchant for telling bizarre stories to the press to cover up his ridiculous domestic problems, and you're left with a player who had a clearly negative impact on a team that made the finals. F minus.

Where are they now: Most likely drunk and retired, which is sad, since he made more money being useless for 6 years in the NBA than we'll likely ever even see in our lifetimes. If anyone needs us, we'll be self-immolating.

The Morning After...

Otis Smith and the Magic were able to make a move before yesterdays trade deadline, acquiring playground legend Rafer Alston from the Houston Rockets in a three team deal. Outgoing for the Magic are a '09 first round draft pick, Brian Cook, Mike Wilks, and future politician Adonal Foyle.

Let's see what the internet has to say:

• First, Jameer Nelson had his season ending shoulder surger yesterday.
• Ken Burger over at CBS Sportsline noted that Orlando was the only team in contention that made and sort of serious move yesterday.
• David Aldridge called the move "brilliant" over at NBA.com.
• Johnny Ludden over at yahoo forgot that Rafer played for SVG in Miami.
  
• Former Magic man Brian Cook was disappointed Orlando didn't give him a chance.
• The Sentinel's Magic blog argues that Otis is starting to come into his own as an NBA GM.
• Schmitz has the lowdown on how while Jameer was getting his shoulder done by the famous Dr. James Andrews, Otis was getting the Alston deal done.
• Bianchi writes that this deal will end up better than that last Houston/Orlando trade.
• John Denton of the Florida Today said something had to be done considering the PG play as of late.
• Here is the Houston Chronicle's perspective on the deal.
  
• ESPN's Jon Barry declaired the Orlando trade a winner.
• Hollinger gave the trade grade for the Magic a 'B'.
• Chad Ford reports that Orlando turned down a deal for "a better point guard: Jamaal Tinsley."
• And finally, here is the ESPN.com story that comes along with a podcast that discusses the trade.
  

Magic grab Rafer Alston

4:15 Update:

The Orlando Sentinel is reporting that along with Brian Cook the Magic have sent Adonal Foyle and Mike Wilks in order to make the numbers work.

I will miss Adonal... Best of luck politicin' in the future.

Psst....don't be surprised if Foyle is released and signs back with us! FTW!!

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3:55 Update:

Here come the puns. ESPN main page:

Magic Answer? Rafer Alston going to the Magic might wind up being the most significant trade on an anticlimactic deadline day.

Hardy har har, ESPN.

Here's the story...

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3:37 Update:

ESPN's John Hollinger is running a chat about the trade deadline.

Dan [via inert]: If Stein's reported deal is accurate, wouldn't Orlando have been better off just acquiring Lowry themselves? Also, the post says Cook to Houston, not Memphis.

John Hollinger: (3:22 PM ET ) You are correct on Cook, and actually it would have to be that way for the #s to work. So for Memphis it's basically Lowry for a first. Interesting. I think Orlando wanted Alston more than Lowry -- especially given his history with Stan VG.

Steve (Orlando): So How much does Alston add to the Magic? He's no Jameer Nelson but he seems like a terrific upgrade from Johnson after last night's fiasco

John Hollinger: (3:28 PM ET ) Yes, at both ends. I think he guarantees Orlando reaches the second round of the playoffs, and that added playoff dough is important for a team that just had to borrow $10 million from the league.

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From ESPN:

Marc Stein: Looks like we have a fairly significant three-way deal that has been submitted to the league just before the trade deadline.

NBA front-office sources tell ESPN.com that Orlando is acquiring Rafer Alston from Houston to fill the void created at point guard by Jameer Nelson's shoulder injury.

The Rockets will receive Memphis guard Kyle Lowry, Orlando forward Brian Cook and perhaps two other minimum-salaried players to make the finances work.

The Grizzlies will receive a first-round pick from Orlando.

3 Point Semi-Shootout

So here we are. We have seen the Magic Alumni suck-fest that was H-O-R-S-E and the lack of skills competition so as Shawn Kemp would say let’s keep this gravy train rolling. Standard rules apply…5 racks, 5 balls for each rack with the last ball the money ball worth 2 points. You have 60 seconds to complete all 5.

Its time for 3 point shootout featuring: Current Magic player Brian Cook, current Pacer Travis Diener, Steve Francis, Doug Christie and Reece Gaines.

Let’s Get to Round 1…

Travis Diener goes to take the ball at the first rack but is escorted out by security who thinks he is some college hippie. He tries to yell he knows Larry Bird but that just gets him in more trouble. No points awarded.

Brian Cook plows through the first 3 racks like a Chinese Buffett but unfortunately after 20 seconds passes out from all the physical strain. Magic trainers sprinkle powdered sugar on his nose and he regains his faculties. 10 points awarded.

Doug Christie is next and as he walks up to the first rack flashes an I love you sign to his wife. He picks up the first ball and shoots an air ball. He then flashes the sign to his wife again and sneezes. Confused he flashes it again as his tampon falls out. He picks it up and flashes the sign again. Time expires and Doug Christie walks away with more I love you’s than points but on this Valentine’s Day No Ordinary Love will do.

Steve Francis goes to the first rack and automatically assumes he has to waste 23 seconds with dribbling and crossovers. Good thing for him he is able to get 2 shots off and makes them both. 2 points awarded.

Reece Gaines is up and last time he was in the NBA he did not miss a 3 pointer all season. He also did not take one either. As he walks up to the first rack he trips over his expectations again and is demoted to the CBA. No points awarded.

Finals: Steve Francis vs. Brian Cook

Brian Cook still woozy from before makes the first 4 but then tries to eat the money ball. 4 points awarded.

Steve Francis strolls up to the rack only needing 5 points. Unfortunately he keeps trying to bounce pass to himself and then shoot the 3. It’s a miracle nobody is hurt and he is awarded no points.

Winner: Brian Cook

5 things Stan Van Gundy won't be doing during the All-Star Break

After a painful loss to the Denver Nuggets, SVG will have 6 days off before the next game against the Charlotte Bobcats. While players Dwight Howard and Rashard Lewis will be participating in the All-Star game and events, what will SVG be doing with his free time? Hopefully relaxing and taking his blood pressure medicine. Here are 5 things we know he definitely won't be doing.

5. Thinking about Brian Cook, and what type of role he may play in the team's 2nd half plan.

4. Making charm bracelets that read "BFF's 4 evah" for the entire team, and wrapping them in little gold boxes with smiley stickers on them.

3. Sending an email to Hedo Turkoglu telling him to shoot more.

2. Going fishing with Pat Riley.

1. Being inspired by Dwight Howard's recent style piece in ESPN the magazine, deciding to go out and buy a tie.

Whatever the coach may be doing with his free time, we here at TPASTBM hope he comes back refreshed, rejuvenated, and restached. Rest well SVG.

Credit ESPN.com for the photo

What are you? Nuggnuts?

Tonight, our Orlando Magic play the Denver Nuggets in what should be a good test of how well our team is going to play without Jameer Nelson against quality teams. Here's some info to get us ready for the game.

1. In a preview on Yahoo! Sports, reports are saying backup forward Chris Andersen is day-to-day with a left wrist sprain and left hip contusion. Andersen has 5 pts and 9 boards in the last contest against the Magic.
2. The Nuggets are playing the 2nd game of a back-to-back against the Florida teams. They defeated the Miami Heat last night 99-82.
3. Nuggets reserve guard J.R. Smith was named the replacement for Rudy Gay for Saturdays Sprite Slam Dunk Contest.
4. Orlando is 6-2 with Anthony Johnson as our starter.
   
5. Injured guard Jameer Nelson was actually selected by the Denver Nuggets with the 20th overall pick in the 2004 NBA Draft. He was then immediately traded to the Orlando Magic for a future first round draft pick.
6. *Brian Cook once consumed over 100 chicken nuggets in one sitting, breaking the All-Time Magic Nugget Eating record that was previously held by Shawn Kemp.

*Mr. Cook did not break the All-Time Magic Nugget Eating record, as the record does not actually exist. This statement was a work of fiction, and was in no way a knock on Mr. Cook, or his eating abilities. As a matter of fact, if Mr. Cook was able to consume 100 chicken nuggets in one sitting, I would be amazed and would owe him a handshake for the awesome accomplishment. Mr. Kemp also did not break any record, however, he would only get a head nod if he did.

The Magic React to the Tyronn Lue trade

As the Magic await tip-off at the Conseco Fieldhouse TPASTBM reporters Terry and the Pump Fakes and OCTB were able to catch up with the good guys and get their thoughts on the GINOURMOUS Tyronn Lue trade.

Hedo Turkoglu: “I like this that I’m not ugliest player anymore.”

Dwight Howard: “You know, I didn’t come here to preach to you tonight. But, you know…when I see these contestants-ahh! For the Miss…Black Awareness Pageant-ahh! I feel good!”

JJ Redick: “WWWWWOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHH!!!!" (Raises the Roof while screaming)

Marcin Gortat: “He reminds me of first bear I dunk on as small boy."

Keith Bogans: “Muthah-#%@#!”

Courtney Lee-"Didn't she used to be in the WNBA?"

Adonal Foyle-"How is Brian Cook still here?"

Brian Cook-"How am I still here?"

Jameer Nelson- "Well I know my job is not in jeopardy."

Anthony Johnson-"Why they keep bringin in these youngins to try and compete with me."

Jeremy Richardson-"Finally I do not have to bring doughnuts to Cook every morning. By the way how the heck is he still here."

Krispy Kreme Orlando: "We fight to see another day!"

4 Things You May Not Have Known About Brian Cook (That May or May Not be True)

Every team in The Association has that one player down at the end of the bench whom fans wonder what his purpose is and why he deserves a million dollar paycheck while you whore out your daughters for enough coin to buy a seat in section 729 Z.

If you are a fan of the Magic, (and I am assuming you are unless you clicked "random blog" and miraculously ended up here) that player is Brian Cook.

Acquired in a trade last season from the Lakers for Trevor Ariza, Cook has made a name for himself as an out of shape, pasty chucker who plays garbage minutes behind Tony "Mr. Intangibles" Battie and looks even worse in contrast to Ariza, who is absolutely PWNING n00bs in Hollywood.

Let's look behind the doughy physique of everyone's favorite 12th man and see if we can't learn a thing or two about the Cookie Monster.

1. His middle name is Joshua.

May not seem that cool, but lets take a look at other people named Joshua.

-Josh(ua) Hartnett. Was in a pretty cool movie called Black Hawk Down. Heard of it?

-Josh(ua) Groban. His last album Noel went multi platinum, although I've never met a fan of his in real life.

- Joshua. An Egyptian born Israelite leader who succeeded Moses. The similarities between he and Brian Joshua Cook are mind boggling.

2. He has an official Biography published.

It's called Brian Cook; An Illini Legend and it was written by Mark Tupper. Here is an actual quote from that book from Bill Self himself.

"Above all I'd say this; I would hope my son would mature and grow up to be a Brian Cook-type person"

Wow. Look for this literary masterpiece to go on backorder next month when Oprah adds it to her book club.

3. He was born on December 4th.

Thats right. The same day as Jay-Z, Tyra Banks, and Tadahito Iguchi. Enough said.

4. He once saved a girl scout from drowning.

He was partaking in his favorite hobby of fishing on Lake Michigan when he happened to see a small girl fall off her families dock. He immediately fired the engine over and pulled her out, later learning from grateful parents that she couldn't swim. Read more about it here....

So there you go folks. All you ever need to know about Brian Cook. Here's to another great half season of your ass wearing out the bench.

Top 3 headlines you won't see on any sports site

After crushing the Indiana Pacers 135-111, the sports writers will have to think of a headline for their recap of the game. My guess is that there will be a pun or two involved. Here, we think of 3 headlines you won't be finding on the front page of ESPN this morning.

3. "Anthony Johnson and his Pacemakers send the Pacers into cardiac arrest"

2. "Pacers embarrass themselves and their children: Lose 111-135"

And 1. "Brian Cook grabs 2 boards, helps Magic win 135-111"


It could be worse. I could have said "Magic make losing streak disappear, beat Pacers". Am I Right?

Credit: NBA.com for the photo