Top 8 Gortat YouTube Clips

As our loyal reader knows, we love Marcin Gortat here at TPASTBM. The Warlock, or Polish Hammer as others call him, has been with the Magic for two years and we all hope he stays longer. That said, here are our favorite YouTube moments featuring Mr. Gortat.

Number 8: A pretty sweet ally from former Magic man Carlos Arroyo. This one gets an extra point considering Pat Garrity was also in the game.

Number 7: Gortat gets down during "Name that TV Tune." It's pretty obvious he isn't too familiar with the Fresh Prince of Bel Air.

Number 6: In his second career start Gortat put up 16 points and 13 boards.

Number 5: During Media Day Marcin has a nice little conversation with TV play by play man David Steele.

Number 4: In his first career start earlier this year Gortat comes up with a huge block.

Number 3: Times are tough, even in the NBA. That said, the Orlando Magic put Gortat to work in the ticket office.

Number 2: We love Gortat, but even our love couldn't prevent us from putting this horrible attempt at a dunk on here.

Number 1: "Droga Do NBA part 1." We're not really sure what this is, but it does include the line, "NBA welcome to, Marcin Gortat."

Top 4 players we're glad aren't wearing a Magic uniform anymore

20 years. Yeah, that’s right, the Magic have been in the NBA almost long enough to buy a Mike's Hard Cranberry Lemonade. Over the years all sorts of characters have put on the Blue and White. There were the greats like Nick Anderson, Darrell Armstrong, and Steven Hunter. There were the quality players like Dennis Scott, Tony Battie, and Scott Skiles who contributed for a number of years. But there was also a lot of wasted space. There were some locker room cancers, some laziness, and well, some very interesting characters. So who are we glad is no longer around to fill newspaper headlines or arrest warrants, or paternity suits? Who would we be most cool with had they never worn a Magic jersey? Well, here it is, the top 4 players we're glad aren't wearing a Magic uniform anymore:



Brian Cook

How did they get here: Acquired via trade for Trevor Ariza, he came here along with current Hawks G Maurice Evans from the Lakers. Take a wild guess at which player fans were more happy to be receiving.

What they did wrong: **** near everything. Brian seemed to be a great teammate at first. Then at the start of the 08-09 season, he started to complain about his role. However, that was the problem. He had no role. Brought in to space the floor more for Dwight and to help rebound, Cook never really did that. When given playing time, he would come in and jack up shots the minute the ball touched his hands. This sort of erratic play drove Stan Van Gundy insane. Coach didn't eat or sleep for about 2 weeks, and would pull out his hair after every 3pt shot Brian took [see a picture of Stan during hard times on the right]. Cook, for his size and girth, couldn't rebound to save his life. Originally brought in to supplement the loss of Tony Battie to season ending surgery, many still wonder what GM Otis Smith was thinking when trading for the soft PF. All seemed lost and lopsided with the trade, that is until Cook made his most meaningful contribution to the team. Passing his psychical on the trade that the Magic made to acquire Rafer Alston from the Rockets. F plus.

Where are they now: Brian was traded to the Rockets in exchange for Rafer Alston. With a team full of promising forwards, he looks to be in the same situation he was in with the Magic. Spotty minutes when the team is desperate for 3pt shooting.

Doug Christie

How did they get here: Traded from Sacramento.

What they did wrong: Being an overemotional sulker in the trade that killed 2 careers (Steve-O). Doug was just never interested in playing for Orlando in the 1st place and looked disinterested the day he got here. His wife would reveal that the Kings made him a good-bye video that he would watch over and over until she would finally convince him to go to sleep. Christie's D was already slipping as it was so the desired results of the trade to add perimeter D failed miserably. F minus minus.

Where are they now: Giving his wife a foot massage.



Darko Milicic

How did they get here: Orlando acquired Mr. Milicic from the Detroit Pistons along with fan favorite Carlos Arroyo in return for another Magic legend Kelvin Cato and a first round pick.

What they did wrong: For starters, Darko had the unfortunate burden of being the second pick in the 2003 NBA draft. He was chosen ahead of Carmelo Anthony, Chris Bosh, Dwayne Wade, David West, Reece Gaines AND Brian Cook. You can’t blame the man for this, but he has never been able to live up to the hype. The guy showed some signs of promise, at times playing some lock down defense and hitting some long J’s. Unfortunately, the good times were more than often erased by multiple Hedo like moments which consisted of a combination of laziness and stupidity. Overall it can be chalked up to what seems like a lack of motivation, which for someone with his talent is unacceptable. As his career evolved we began to get a glance into the reasons why Darko wasn’t ever going to make an All-Star game. There were the pictures like the one posted. We’re no doctors, but it’s probably safe to say the nights of drinking and smoking are not good for someone who gets paid to be a world class athlete. Plus, there was the unforgettable anti referee/sister of referee/mother of referee rant following a game (Warning: Language very, very, very NSFW). That counts double. D minus.

Where are they now: Otis let Darko head over to Memphis for more money. At the time many chastised the GM for letting such a promising player walk. Darko has proved Otis right by continuing to tread the NBA waters… Not quite bad enough to get the ax while not producing the numbers he should.

Anthony Avent [not pictured, trust me, we tried]

How did they get here: Traded from Milwaukee

What they did wrong: Well, Anthony Avent had the worst hands we've ever seen on a basketball player ever. If you replaced your hands with two cinder blocks covered in rubber and grease, you could catch passes better than Avent could. Avent couldn't shoot, pass, defend or rebound, and at no point in his year and a half with Orlando did Avent look interested in doing anything productive. Combine that with his penchant for telling bizarre stories to the press to cover up his ridiculous domestic problems, and you're left with a player who had a clearly negative impact on a team that made the finals. F minus.

Where are they now: Most likely drunk and retired, which is sad, since he made more money being useless for 6 years in the NBA than we'll likely ever even see in our lifetimes. If anyone needs us, we'll be self-immolating.

3 Reasons why Adonal Foyle would make a great President.

Dedicated Magic fans are well acquainted with the Foyle, after signing the one-time NCAA career leader in blocked shots to a vet contract two seasons ago, at which time he was the longest tenured player ever in Golden State history. At this point in the franchise, however, the big Caribbean with the toothy smile is relegated to wearing a suit most nights, an insurance policy in case Battie, Gortat, Cook (sigh), or God forbid Dwight get hurt. But we have not forgotten you, sir.

Let me start with a disclaimer. Adonal David Foyle was born in Canouan, St. Vincent and the Grenadines, therefore is not a natural-born US Citizen. Therefore, according to the Constitution of the United States of America, he cannot be elected President.

Now that I have gotten that out of the way, let me enthrall you with the particulars in reference to the title of this post. Adonal Foyle would make a great President, and here are three cold, hard facts (Presented by Coors Light) as to why.

He's Smart

I know this isn't usually a requirement for politcal office, (See Robert Byrd, Dan Quayle, or pretty much everyone in Congress today) but being smart certainly helps when it comes to fooling people into voting for you.

Aluminum Foyle graduated Magna Cum Laude from the prestigious Colgate University with a degree in history. All while playing a college sport. Think about this next time you wake up on a random couch somewhere smelling like stale Natty and bar sweat and are debating whether or not you're going to attend your 1:00 Civics class at South County State Community College. (If this does ever happen to you I suggest smelling your hand when you wake up. If its normal, spray on some Axe and head to class, if its anything other than normal, quickly head to Student Health).

Now, I know a college degree doesn't necessarily mean you are smart, but...... nevermind, it absolutely fucking does. The guy managed AT LEAST a 3.5 GPA while spending most of his time outside of class on a basketball court or in the gym, toning those finely sculpted Island biceps........ no homo.

He Can Relate to all Income Groups

According to www.AdonalFoyle.com, "Adonal grew up in the tiny island of Canouan, where he was raised by his grandmother and pet donkey and relied on a kerosene lamp to light up his room while doing homework."

I don't know about you guys, but that's about as poor as it gets. Kid's these days complain about not getting the latest Call of Duty for their birthdays, can you imagine what little Adonal got? Probably nothing due to the fact that he was raised by a fucking donkey. I kept reading the bio, waiting to see if he had to stick a banana leaf out in the rain to get drinking water for the family but I couldn't find it, maybe that was the donkey's job.

At the age of 15, he was adopted by two college professors and moved to New York. He lived the middle-class American lifestyle throughout college, and after being selected 8th overall by the Warriors in the 97 draft, he entered the life of an NBA player, basically guaranteeing him financial security and a sudden opinion on the Capital Gains Tax.

A standard rags-to some other step in between-to riches story. He knows what its like to bathe in mud, bathwater, and Dom Perignon. He knows what its like to wipe his ass with bark, toilet paper, and crisp hundreds peeled off a roll. HE KNOWS WHAT YOU ARE GOING THROUGH, and he deserves your vote.

And finally.........

He Actually Cares About Serious Political Issues.

In 2001, in between his poetry jams with Etan Thomas, he founded Democracy Matters, which, according to Wikipedia is "a non-partisan student organization, as an effort to counteract political apathy on college campuses. The organization's signature issue is campaign finance reform, particularly clean elections. Active on over 50 college campuses, Democracy Matters involves hundreds of students and faculty nationwide through teach-ins, letter writing and petition campaigns, educational seminars, and voter registration drives."

This ain't no community organizing people. This serious business.

On top of the political aspect of his work, he puts his money where is mouth is to actually solve some problems facing the underpriveledged of the world, Oprah-style.

In 2006, Adonal also started the Kerosene Lamp Foundation. KLF, a non-profit 501c3 organization, helps empower children of the Eastern Caribbean as well as the United States and give them the right tools to navigate life's challenges such as illiteracy, sexually transmitted diseases and economic hardship. (Credit www.AdonalFoyle.com)

There you have it Magic fans, we have our very own viable presidential candidate sitting at the end of our bench every night, waiting for his chance to bring the political hammer down on any social issue that attempts to drive the lane on him.

4 Things You May Not Have Known About Brian Cook (That May or May Not be True)

Every team in The Association has that one player down at the end of the bench whom fans wonder what his purpose is and why he deserves a million dollar paycheck while you whore out your daughters for enough coin to buy a seat in section 729 Z.

If you are a fan of the Magic, (and I am assuming you are unless you clicked "random blog" and miraculously ended up here) that player is Brian Cook.

Acquired in a trade last season from the Lakers for Trevor Ariza, Cook has made a name for himself as an out of shape, pasty chucker who plays garbage minutes behind Tony "Mr. Intangibles" Battie and looks even worse in contrast to Ariza, who is absolutely PWNING n00bs in Hollywood.

Let's look behind the doughy physique of everyone's favorite 12th man and see if we can't learn a thing or two about the Cookie Monster.

1. His middle name is Joshua.

May not seem that cool, but lets take a look at other people named Joshua.

-Josh(ua) Hartnett. Was in a pretty cool movie called Black Hawk Down. Heard of it?

-Josh(ua) Groban. His last album Noel went multi platinum, although I've never met a fan of his in real life.

- Joshua. An Egyptian born Israelite leader who succeeded Moses. The similarities between he and Brian Joshua Cook are mind boggling.

2. He has an official Biography published.

It's called Brian Cook; An Illini Legend and it was written by Mark Tupper. Here is an actual quote from that book from Bill Self himself.

"Above all I'd say this; I would hope my son would mature and grow up to be a Brian Cook-type person"

Wow. Look for this literary masterpiece to go on backorder next month when Oprah adds it to her book club.

3. He was born on December 4th.

Thats right. The same day as Jay-Z, Tyra Banks, and Tadahito Iguchi. Enough said.

4. He once saved a girl scout from drowning.

He was partaking in his favorite hobby of fishing on Lake Michigan when he happened to see a small girl fall off her families dock. He immediately fired the engine over and pulled her out, later learning from grateful parents that she couldn't swim. Read more about it here....

So there you go folks. All you ever need to know about Brian Cook. Here's to another great half season of your ass wearing out the bench.