3 Point Semi-Shootout

So here we are. We have seen the Magic Alumni suck-fest that was H-O-R-S-E and the lack of skills competition so as Shawn Kemp would say let’s keep this gravy train rolling. Standard rules apply…5 racks, 5 balls for each rack with the last ball the money ball worth 2 points. You have 60 seconds to complete all 5.

Its time for 3 point shootout featuring: Current Magic player Brian Cook, current Pacer Travis Diener, Steve Francis, Doug Christie and Reece Gaines.

Let’s Get to Round 1…

Travis Diener goes to take the ball at the first rack but is escorted out by security who thinks he is some college hippie. He tries to yell he knows Larry Bird but that just gets him in more trouble. No points awarded.

Brian Cook plows through the first 3 racks like a Chinese Buffett but unfortunately after 20 seconds passes out from all the physical strain. Magic trainers sprinkle powdered sugar on his nose and he regains his faculties. 10 points awarded.

Doug Christie is next and as he walks up to the first rack flashes an I love you sign to his wife. He picks up the first ball and shoots an air ball. He then flashes the sign to his wife again and sneezes. Confused he flashes it again as his tampon falls out. He picks it up and flashes the sign again. Time expires and Doug Christie walks away with more I love you’s than points but on this Valentine’s Day No Ordinary Love will do.

Steve Francis goes to the first rack and automatically assumes he has to waste 23 seconds with dribbling and crossovers. Good thing for him he is able to get 2 shots off and makes them both. 2 points awarded.

Reece Gaines is up and last time he was in the NBA he did not miss a 3 pointer all season. He also did not take one either. As he walks up to the first rack he trips over his expectations again and is demoted to the CBA. No points awarded.

Finals: Steve Francis vs. Brian Cook

Brian Cook still woozy from before makes the first 4 but then tries to eat the money ball. 4 points awarded.

Steve Francis strolls up to the rack only needing 5 points. Unfortunately he keeps trying to bounce pass to himself and then shoot the 3. It’s a miracle nobody is hurt and he is awarded no points.

Winner: Brian Cook

The Orlando Magic All-time Skills Competition

As is the case this weekend for the NBA, the Orlando Magic have, utilizing wisdom that may or may not actually exist, taken it upon themselves to deliver unto us those same glorious mini-games that we'll see this weekend. With out any further ado, let us meet our contestants for the 2009, Orlando Magic All-Scrub Skills Competition:

Mark Price

Anthony Bowie

Brooks Thompson

Steve Kerr

Let's get down to the competition!

Kerr starts us off: Kerr makes the layup, before beginning a very leisurely stroll through the 1st series of defenders. He gets the first pass on the 3rd attempt, and hits the shot in one. The final pass is one he struggles with, before finally hitting it on the 4th attempt. After slowly dribbling through the second set of "defenders", Kerr manages to blow the final layup twice before finishing at 1:35.

Thompson is up next and gets a DNP-CD.

Bowie is up now, and he breezes through the course, showing surprising speed. Struggling only at the jump shot, Bowie breezes through the course with a cool mark of 57 seconds, guaranteeing him a spot in the finals.

Mark Price continues the long tradition he created in his run through Orlando of being so broken down, but still fundamentally sound enough, to not completely embarrass himself. By not blowing any passes or layups badly, he manages a time of 1:28, earning him a slot in the Finals.

In the Finals, Mark Price is up first, and manages to post a 1:28 that is entirely identical in every conceivable way to his first run. Further analysis reveals he'd actually passed out several hours earlier, and was quite literally sleep walking through the competition. It's decided that he should be allowed to sleep some more, though some are far more concerned that Price's pallor and general demeanor seem suspiciously zombie-like.

For his Finals run, Bowie again breezes through the course. With his score hovering around 45 seconds going into the final set of defenders, Bowie calls a quick timeout so that he can savor the moment and "make sure he gets the win". Ignoring the screams of the crowd, Bowie walks off the court, sips some Gatorade, and goes into a long daydream about how great this trophy will look on his wall until Sam Vincent finally snaps him out of his daydream long enough to tell him that there are no timeouts in the skills competition, and that the clock is still running. Bowie dejectedly finishes with a time of 3:36, leaving Mark Price our sleepwalking winner.

Winner: Mark Price's Zombie Corpse.

From everyone here at TPASTBM, we wish you and yours a *Happy Valentines Day!

*Note: By Valentines Day, we mean All-Star weekend.

Credit: NBA.com for the photo, Google for the roses and teddy bear, and Fran Vasquez for being Fran Vasquez.

H-O-R-S-E

As a part of All-Star weekend in Phoenix, TNT has put together a game of H-O-R-S-E. Kevin Durant, OJ Mayo and Joe Johnson will be the participants. The rules are like when you played back in the day, except no dunking is allowed. Well, then, it’s exactly like when you used to play.

The current edition of the Magic has some pretty interesting players who could probably take one of these competitions. Rashard can shoot it from anywhere and we’ve been told for several years now that JJ can knock it down too. But what if we didn’t limit it to the 08-09 Magic but included all the men who were so lucky enough to put on a Magic uni? So, without further ado, here is the Magic’s all-time H-O-R-S-E matchup and how it might play out.

Tracy McGrady: Back in the day when he could dunk and run the entire length of the floor, Tracy was disgusting. When he was on his game he could pull up from anywhere and it was going in. Remember his 62? Baseline jumper, reverse layup, 3 pointer, half court bomb, turnaround bank. Count um’.

Dennis Scott: 3D could play also. Of course he could hit the 3, but he could hit it when it counted too. I’d imagine him starting off with a 3 from about 10 feet past the line and moving in close for some hook shots which might actually be kind of tough since it would require movement. Following the competition Mr. Scott could drop some rhymes or something.

Hedo Turkoglu: Hedo is the wildcard here. Sometimes he can’t throw it in the ocean, but when he’s on he’ll hit it from outside like the game winners against Portland this year and Boston last year, and he’ll throw in all sorts of silly fadeaways that he should not even be shooting in the first place. He is also creative enough to come up with some tricky shots that others might have never thought of.

Honorable Mention: They are only using 3 guys on Saturday, so I’m only going to put 3 Magic players in our little competition. There were some other guys that came close to making the list. Scott Skiles could probably bounce pass a few balls in the basket, and if not, just beat the shit out of the other two players. Morlon Wiley would be able to stick around. Lord knows he has found a way to stick around for the last 20 years. Also, Horace Grant's first name is somewhat like horse, so he has that going for him. And finally, Shawn Kemp, because at least it would be entertaining, which is more than can be said about this silly H-O-R-S-E roster for Saturday night.

The Match: Hedo goes first. Missed 3 from 7 feet past the line. Dennis Scott hits a 15 footer while eating a double bacon cheeseburger. Tracy strains his left ring finger while getting out of his chair. He is out 4 to 5 games. Hedo makes a fadeaway 20 footer while 3D misses. However, this is bad news for Hedo as he now thinks he can make it every time. He proceeds to miss the next 7 shots he takes, and somehow commits 4 turnovers despite the fact that turnovers aren't part of H-O-R-S-E. Scott takes the match by hitting simple, fundamentally sound jump shots.

Thanks to "stangita" from flickr for the picture of the horse with a basketball on its nose.

5 things Stan Van Gundy won't be doing during the All-Star Break

After a painful loss to the Denver Nuggets, SVG will have 6 days off before the next game against the Charlotte Bobcats. While players Dwight Howard and Rashard Lewis will be participating in the All-Star game and events, what will SVG be doing with his free time? Hopefully relaxing and taking his blood pressure medicine. Here are 5 things we know he definitely won't be doing.

5. Thinking about Brian Cook, and what type of role he may play in the team's 2nd half plan.

4. Making charm bracelets that read "BFF's 4 evah" for the entire team, and wrapping them in little gold boxes with smiley stickers on them.

3. Sending an email to Hedo Turkoglu telling him to shoot more.

2. Going fishing with Pat Riley.

1. Being inspired by Dwight Howard's recent style piece in ESPN the magazine, deciding to go out and buy a tie.

Whatever the coach may be doing with his free time, we here at TPASTBM hope he comes back refreshed, rejuvenated, and restached. Rest well SVG.

Credit ESPN.com for the photo

Perhaps There Was An Age Where Men Dreamed of the Possibilities of Outer Space

Everyone wants to talk about the all star game selections, it seems, with one of several stories being that the Magic got too many players in the game, that Mo Williams and Al Jefferson were huge snubs, and what the hell is David West doing there. All valid questions and concerns, I suppose, though the whole debate of who should or shouldn't be an all star seems ridiculous in a world where Allen Iverson is going to start in said all star game seems at best silly and at worst a complete waste of time.

It seems ludicrous to me that people would put serious stock in all star game appearances when the starters are voted in by fans, and the average basketball fan is only as knowledgeable as the various things shouted at them on 8am Sportscenter once a week. That's why Allen Iverson gets voted in over Devin Harris and Joe Johnson: people don't know any better. And if we're going to continue to have that kind of popularity contest once a year at the season's midpoint, why give it any kind of merit in terms of player v. player comparisons? It's not like the all star game itself has any integrity to begin with.

For all of the NBA and the media's constant harping on the "defense wins championships" motto, like a 64 year old hooker in Vegas who's still turning tricks because, well damn, it's all she knows how to do, they still make a big deal once day a year out of a game that promotes the idea that if you act "big" enough, you'll never have to defend in your career. I have no problem with an exhibition game where players show off their athleticism, and attempt to pull off overly elaborate superstar plays. That's fine. But if that's what you're going to do, do it. I guarantee that Rudy Gay could come up with much flashier plays than Tim Duncan, and if you're going to present the all star game as an exhibition of Sportscenter highlights, don't pretend the game itself has value.

After all, it's not like anyone thinks the winner of the allstar game is the best conference anyway.